Tungwa’s Talking Pen
Lucius Banda really was onto something when he sang “Pa Mtengo wa Pa Kachere, tizakumana.” Because folks, come 16 September, Malawians aren’t just going to meet under the Kachere tree, they’re going to either dance, cry, or riot, depending on which shade of chaos wins the election.
Let’s begin with the man who’s supposed to be running this ship: President Lazarus Chakwera, who apparently just discovered the concept of “fertiliser prices” one week before the election. Classic move. He’s out here flinging promises like Oprah on a sugar rush “You get a trillion kwacha! You get a subsidy! Everybody gets a miracle!” If desperation had a scent, it would be MCP campaign perfume.
But here’s the kicker: MCP can’t even say “we will continue what we started” because, well, what exactly did they start? The economy? Dead. The kwacha? Deader. Inflation? Alive and kicking. And the food situation? Let’s just say if hunger were an Olympic sport, Malawi would be undefeated.
And that kwacha… dear Lord. Once proud, now being bullied by the Tanzanian shilling, a currency most of us previously used as scrap paper. Under Chakwera, the only thing that inflated faster than prices was the number of corrupt friends with government contracts.
If a leader can’t spot talent, then he’s not a leader , he’s a motivational speaker with a pension. Every public sector under his watch is either damaged, decayed, or deep-fried in incompetence. His only hope now is a political Control + Alt + Delete.
Ah, but wait! There’s a plot twist: Vitumbiko Mumba, the VP candidate with actual energy, ideas, and unfortunately, zero support from his own party. He’s out here campaigning like an orphaned intern, the MCP politburo ditched him faster than leftover chambo at a wedding. Only Brown Mpinganjira has shown face. Everyone else? Ghosted.
So here’s my humble prophecy: If Chakwera wins and Mumba becomes VP, the MCP will turn into a live episode of Survivor: Lilongwe Edition. Mumba, now closer to the throne, will become the stuff of Chimwendo Banda’s worst nightmares. After sabotaging Mumba’s campaign , not once, but twice , Chimwendo is about to learn that revenge is best served on inauguration day.
The President will have no choice but to reshuffle his circus, sorry, Cabinet. Most Ministers are toast anyway, having lost to independents they tried to block in the primaries. Poetic justice never tasted so sweet.
But here’s where things get spicy: IPOR says 41% of voters are leaning toward the return of Professor Peter Mutharika, while Chakwera sits at 31%, hoping Malawians forget the price of sugar. And the Professor? He’s had his mid-life crisis and comeback arc. After being politically abandoned in 2012 like a forgotten sock, he’s back with energy and Jane Ansah. Yes, that Jane. Try not to gasp too loudly.
Mutharika’s problem last time? Trusting people with the loyalty of a mosquito. This time, he says he’s learned. His cabinet will have merit, not just praise-singers with no degrees and loud cousins.
And hey, at least he won’t be pretending to have it all together. The man is literally running on legacy mode. No ambitions, no new mansions , just one final shot to fix Malawi and make food, fertiliser, cooking oil, fuel, sugar and cement available and affordable again.
In his best-case scenario, he could form a government that pulls from DPP, AFORD, NDP, LEP, and even a little sprinkle of UTM, UDF, PP, a true cocktail of competent misfits. Even a few detoxed MCP members might sneak in through the back door (disinfected, of course).
People like Felix Njawala, Newton Kambala, Catherine Mzumara, and Hellen Chabunya could actually deliver results instead of photo ops. Mutharika with Jane Ansah might just be the power duo Malawi never knew it needed, unless, of course, someone poisons their working relationship again. Please, no more “he said, she said” memo wars.
Let’s not forget the ultimate missed opportunity: Amai Joyce Banda, DK Kabambe, and Atupele Muluzi had the numbers to create a third force. All they needed was a calculator, a conference call, and a little humility. But political egos are allergic to math. The result? Wasted potential and a bunch of supporters still refreshing their hopes like a slow-loading website.
However, if by some miracle Malawians suddenly wake up and vote for “Odya Zake Alibe Mulandu”, alongside the DK-Atu-JB alliance, we might just witness the biggest electoral plot twist since MEC learned how to count.
So, dear comrades , current ministers, aspiring MPs, professional backbenchers, and unqualified board members, Kashoti type of media teams, MBC, your time might be up. Whether your party wins or not, if you’re part of the old baggage, start dusting off your CV. Nobody’s safe in this reboot.
In conclusion, the next five years are not for jokes. Mutharika and Chakwera are on their last rides. They either deliver or get buried under their own legacies. No more passengers. No more thieves. And no more fake sheikhs et.al.
So go out and vote, not for the best liar, not for the thief with better English, but for someone who will actually leave the country better than they found it.
And between us, if we’re being honest?
Right now, the old professor is schooling the Reverend.
