“APM Should Rest, Mumba and Chakwera’s Mouths Should Too!”
Like one APM (that’s Arthur Peter Mutharika, for the uninitiated), I too went into hibernation this campaign season. I had ambitions, dreams even, hopes of becoming a running mate. But alas, my political boss, in a twist worthy of a TV series, picked his housemaid. That, dear Malawians, is the national IQ test we never studied for.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a housemaid rising to Veep status. If anything, it’s motivational. But the real tragedy here is the media, our once noble, watchdog Fourth Estate, now wagging tails for PR photo ops and “press briefings” that look more like church bulletin announcements. The media of yesteryear would’ve sniffed out these sponsored puppets, chewed them up, and spat them into the political recycling bin. But now? They smile for the camera and hope for a deputy director appointment.
In this election circus, we’ve got a nephew, a girlfriend, a couple of cousins, and now the house help all vying for executive parking spaces. I won’t name names—my editor still values his life. But as someone wise once said, our real poverty begins in the brain. We honestly deserve the leaders we get. If the candidate with the housemaid wins, I’ll laugh every day. Through the tears, of course.
Anyway, I’m back and the political comedy is heating up.
APM finally reappeared!
After 30 days of MCP-sponsored obituaries and MBC’s deepfake graphics, you’d think the man was on a ventilator in a secret cave in Mangochi. MBC hit new lows, parading Photoshopped “Weekend at Bernie’s” editions of Mutharika to prove the man couldn’t walk, talk, or blink. Even Dickson Kashoti looked genuinely convinced.
Their entire campaign narrative was that APM needed a wheelchair, a priest, and a retirement cake. They hyped his absence like the prophets of Baal, chanting, cutting themselves, and offering goat intestines to the gods of misinformation. Meanwhile, their candidate was busy announcing a new economic plan every 12 hours. First, it was K500 Bonda Bonanza, then K10 million for 1,000 Malawians, then 1 million for 1 million Malawians, then aah wait eeh hold the phone! We’re back to reducing fertilizer prices again.
And just when they thought they’d buried the man, boom, APM casually strolls into the supposed MCP fortress. Cue the scramble to spin the narrative. First, they said, “It’s nothing.” Then they said, “They visited a sick man” (conveniently forgetting they were the ones who declared him sick). Then reality hit: “Not all those people will vote for APM.” Classic damage control.
Back to the field, in places like Ntcheu, Lilongwe, Kasungu, Nkhamenya, and Jenda, people looked too happy. That kind of happiness makes governments nervous. Even SG Richard Chimwendo, in a rare moment of honesty at Chiuzila, blurted, “Let APM go back and rest”, probably because his appearance alone caused tremors that could knock down a weak manifesto.
Now, if APM’s return wasn’t enough drama for one season, that earthquake has an epicentre, and its tremors reached the North, where Engineer Vitumbiko Mumba has pitched his political tent. And let’s just say, the stakes are high, and Mumba brought a wooden spoon.
Credit where it’s due, Mumba is a breath of fresh air in MCP’s dusty corridors. But let’s not confuse “fresh air” with “winning strategy.” Because at this rate, he might be remembered as the reason MCP lost the North
One lesson for Mumba: Never pull an Atupele. Don’t insult the same people whose votes you’re begging for. That’s a recipe for a slap from the ballot box.
Remember, in 2014, the North showed love to Joyce Banda and PP. In 2019, they flirted with Chilima and UTM. By 2020, that UTM love spilled over to Chakwera.
Now Mumba stands on a soapbox and says MCP had nothing to do with the fertilizer debacle? Bruh… the internet has clips. Chakwera himself said “muzagula folo sauzande nkanthu.” That’s not SKC’s voice; it’s your boss’. So please, don’t do verbal gymnastics and break your own credibility.
And what’s this brilliant plan to solve the cement shortage? One shop for 18 million people? Sir, that’s not a solution, that’s a joke. Is this a ration line or a political strategy? If I travel all the way to Rumphi only to find Randera has closed shop, I’m not voting, I’m emigrating.
The cement fairy must be exhausted.
Finally, the man of the moment, President Chakwera himself. A whole President without a proper punchline this campaign? No slogan, no fire, no flair. His team seems to have been hired straight from a WhatsApp group. Someone left after three weeks when reality kicked in, probably screamed, “I didn’t sign up for this!” before running for the hills.
And as for the “wadya mtoliro” talk, President, you might not want to lean into that metaphor. At this rate, the people might just believe you have eaten the mtoliro, and the effects are showing.
So yes, vote wisely. Or go all in and vote for the housemaid VP. At least the tea at State House will finally be served on time.
