Panic on the streets of Lilongwe! Has the ghost of presidents past, Professor Peter Mutharika, finally ascended to the great lecture hall in the sky? Or did he just pop to South Africa for some biltong and a bit of shopping?
According to the Malawi Broadcasting Corporation (MBC) – a station renowned for its hard-hitting, entirely impartial reporting – the former President was practically at death’s door in a Johannesburg hospital, surrounded by beeping machines and concerned-looking actors in white coats.
But wait! A plot twist! Leaked messages, juicier than a Zomba mango, suggest this entire medical drama was cooked up in the ruling MCP’s creative writing department, allegedly directed by none other than the Minister of Information himself, Moses Kunkuyu.
The messages paint a glorious picture of a misinformation production line. One can almost imagine the brainstorming session: “Right lads, what ailment shall we give him today? Gout? A mild case of the vapours?” “No, no, make it serious! Let’s get #PrayForPeter trending!” “Perfect! Blessings, my boy,” one message to MBC reporter Blessings Cheleuka seems to imply, “I’ve just sent you a little something for data bundles. Now, give me a masterpiece of medical propaganda!”
Enter DPP Secretary General Peter Mukhito, stage right, looking like a man who has had to deny his boss has turned into a lizard person one too many times.
“For goodness sake,” Mukhito sighed, probably polishing his ‘I Survived Another MBC Rumour’ medal. “He left on Monday. Through a normal airport. He flew with people. He didn’t use a phantom jet or ride a dragon. The sheer nonsense being perpetuated shows the Professor is causing some people sleepless nights.”
Mukhito insisted APM was “fine” and on “private business,” which could be anything from high-level diplomacy to finding a quiet corner to chuckle at the latest polls. He confirmed the Professor would be back on Monday, presumably to prove he is, in fact, not a ghost.
And why the sudden flurry of fake medical charts and fabricated fevers? The polls, my dear Watson, the polls! With APM cruising at a comfortable 48%, a figure that makes President Chakwera’s 15-18% look like a rounding error, the ruling party is clearly spooked. Their strategy, it seems, is: “If you can’t beat him at the polls, at least give him a fictional illness.”
So, as Malawi holds its breath, all eyes are on the arrivals gate at Kamuzu International. Will APM return tanned, rested, and ready to rumble? Or will he, just for kicks, deplane with a slight cough and a theatrical limp, just to watch the Ministry of Information scramble?
Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode of As The Polls Turn
