Tungwa’s Talking Pen, daily political news humour
In a stunning display of democracy-by-appointment, the Malawi Congress Party (MCP) has decided that who needs primaries when you have family ties and loyal comrades? President Lazarus Chakwera’s brother, Elias Chakwera, has been handpicked—because “Chakwera” is now apparently a constituency in itself—to run for Dowa Ngala. Meanwhile, Eisenhower Mkaka, who has more political lives than a cat in a ministerial suit, gets the nod for Lilongwe Mpenu. No primaries needed. No fuss. No voters harmed in the making of this decision.
Trade Minister Vitumbiko Mumba, meanwhile, has been told—though not in so many words—to find a different seat, or perhaps a different party, or maybe even a new hobby. The party has chosen Adamson Mkandawire for Mzimba Central, and where primaries were too chaotic to count (i.e. almost everywhere), MCP plans to do what it does best: impose candidates like party-branded Christmas hampers.
Mumba, whose presidential ambitions are the worst-kept secret in Capital Hill, has been cast out by the faction loyal to Secretary General Richard Chimwendo Banda—Malawi’s answer to Machiavelli, only with more WhatsApp groups.
“Yes, Mkaka and Dr. Chakwera will represent the party. Anyone who wanted real elections can go to the courts—and maybe apply for candidate forms while they’re there,” shrugged an MCP executive aligned to Chimwendo Banda, probably while sipping tea brewed with frustration and ambition.
Mumba’s team is still hoping for a re-run, or perhaps divine intervention, but all signs point to him running as an independent. If he does, MCP risks a repeat of its self-sabotage history, when imposed candidates lost safe seats to independents—because nothing says loyalty like alienating your base.
History lesson: In 2004, MCP had 60 seats. Then came the Great Imposition Era—cue mass defections, vote-splitting, and Nancy Tembo’s 2019 independent win after being MCP’d out of primaries. MCP’s current strategy appears to be learning from history… and then doing the exact opposite.
In Dowa South East, another political soap opera: Zamba’s sister (yes, that Zamba, the Secretary to the Cabinet) is running her campaign like a presidential motorcade—complete with a shiny Prado TX—against MCP’s official pick, Halima Daudi. Zamba Jr. lost primaries but, like many before her, took the Independent Highway.
Meanwhile, the MCP Game of Thrones continues: Zamba, Chimwendo Banda, State House Chief of Staff Prince Kapondamgaga, and (ironically) the sidelined Mumba are all rumored to be sharpening their knives preparing for a post-Chakwera world. Think Shakespeare, but with WhatsApp leaks.
Chimwendo Banda is allegedly planting independent candidates across Kasungu and Salima like political maize—hoping for a future harvest of power. Word on the street is he prefers Speaker Gotani Hara as a running mate—not for her strength, but because she’d be easy to sideline afterward. It’s a bit like choosing a guard dog that’s allergic to barking.
But Mumba’s camp says not so fast: “Between Chimwendo Banda and the MCP presidency, there’s still a man who knows national politics and not just regional tribalism,” said one defiant voice, presumably from a bunker somewhere in Area 43.
As for President Chakwera? Rumor has it he’s quietly leaning toward Michael Usi as his next running mate, though political chombe tea-leaves also suggest he’s keeping Atupele Muluzi on speed dial, just in case he wants to revive the UDF-MCP flavor of coalition cuisine.
One thing is clear: in MCP these days, it’s not about who votes—it’s about who gets the nod at the top. Primaries are for amateurs. Or as one political wag put it: “Why bother with democracy, when you can just pick your cousin
