Chakwera & MCP: The Chameleon and the Hyena: A Malawian Political Safari
Once upon a time, in the land “discovered by David Livingstone,” a wise old multiparty hero named Chakufwa Tom Chihana, with the foresight of a particularly cynical oracle, famously branded the Malawi Congress Party (MCP) a “party of death and darkness.” Fast forward thirty years, and lo and behold, the MCP, with the political agility of a chameleon, decided to rebrand.
They even elected a Reverend, Lazarus Chakwera, as their leader – a move that, to the amusement of political satirists and the dismay of anyone with a modicum of historical memory, convinced “foolish voters” that the marauding hyena had magically transformed into an innocent sheep.
Even some religious leaders, bless their naive hearts, practically forced Saulos Chilima to jump into bed with these woolly predators. But as Kamlepo Kalua, the venerable political sage from Rumphi East, sagely warned: a hyena, dear friends, is always a hyena. You can put lipstick on a warthog, but it’s still a warthog.
Enter Slyvester Namiwa. Now, Namiwa is many things: a former State House press officer, and, gasp, some “foolish Nyasas” even call him a Lhomwe. The horror! But fear not, “Galatians,” for the constitution, in its infinite wisdom, grants every “jim and jack, elube and matiyasi” the inalienable right to strut and shout against anyone who dares to “eat taxpayers’ money.” And this, my friends, is where the MCP, in their relentless pursuit of political absurdity, consistently misses the mark.
Back in their opposition days, their internal dictatorship was simply “their style.” Nobody cared. But once they hitched a ride to power on the backs of UTM and Chilima, they were suddenly expected to pretend they cared about Malawians, to pretend they respected the constitution, and to pretend they would do things differently. Oh, the humanity!
But alas, the national IQ levels, as reflected by the MCP’s governance, have been a disaster from day one. Some strange people still cling to the belief that the “sons of evil” will somehow change. Others even peddle the fantastical notion that Kamuzu Banda was an angel, and those 1,500,000 Malawians conveniently disappeared under his rule were actually just on an extended, government-sponsored vacation, paid for by the “opposition.”
The MCP even once chased, killed, and trampled upon an entire Church – the Jehovah’s Witnesses. They donned their “goldy robes” and declared the church null and void. Six hundred thousand members were exiled, killed, and their property confiscated. One can only imagine the proud grandfathers of today’s Chipokosas, Phakamisas, and Kadammanjas, gleefully smashing stained-glass windows. The spirit of death and destruction, it seems, is a hereditary trait, and Reverend Chakwera, by all accounts, has emboldened it. Why, they even invite Chimwendo Banda to sing at church events! One can only assume his hymns are about the virtues of party loyalty and the efficient disposal of political rivals.
The Blame Game: A Pastor’s Predicament
Now, pastors, especially the Pentecostal variety, have a unique talent: they rarely take responsibility. Every misfortune, you see, is either the work of “spirits” or the “enemy.” And Reverend Chakwera, having just completed his first five years in office, has mastered this art form.
He fails to manage the economy after globetrotting more than some airline pilots? Blame the DPP! His ACB arrests Martha Chizuma, but he doesn’t fire anyone? Blame Malita’s childishness! His minions arrest Joshua Chisa Mbele, Namiwa, and Bon Kalindo? He simply pretends he didn’t hear about it! He’s a busy man, after all, collecting taxpayers’ money while simultaneously blaming the DPP for the national debt – even when he’s borrowing heavily to fund his own “investor-finding” joyrides. Every trip, he returns with the same bald-faced lie: “I’ve found an investor!” When even a child knows he’s just collected his per diems. Something every pastor, apparently, knows how to do.
The Unholy Trinity of Incompetence
So, he’s back, and naturally, nobody will be fired. The MDF, once a proud military, has devolved into a mere party appendage. The Police, with their newfound zeal, are operating exactly as they did in the one-party state, reminiscent of the days when MYP and Youth Leaguers freely terrorized anyone who dared to criticize the MCP or Kamuzu Banda.
One can almost picture Valentine Phiri, Merlyin Yolamu, Atris Muwanga, Chimwendo Banda, and Chakwera having a virtual party, clinking imaginary glasses, celebrating the “trouncing of their noisy enemy.” For the younger generation, who mercifully never experienced the MCP’s true brutality, these scenes are a stark recreation of the “party of darkness” Chakufwa Chihana so accurately described. Granting the MCP another five years, my friends, would be akin to inviting a pack of hyenas to guard the national sheepfold.
The MCP is, at its core, an anti-democratic party. It revels in one-party values: steal without remorse, kill without remorse, and protect all the thieves. Just look at the ACB, the Malawi Police, and the MDF – these institutions are now mere disgraceful party branches. Any sane person, of course, doesn’t expect Reverend Chakwera to do anything about Namiwa’s beating. Those were his “loyal boys” at play. And as for the long-suffering donors, who’ve finally started to bark? They can threaten all they want, but nothing will work. Apparently, one brave donor even encountered an MCP Minister who, with a twinkle in his eye (and perhaps a bit too much “spirit”), openly yearned for a return to the good old one-party days. They thought it was the alcohol talking; now they know it’s reality.
President Chakwera, in a display of what can only be described as minimal effort, posted a half-hearted Facebook message. That’s it. Eleven incidents of violence, and he’s done precisely nothing. It seems he rather enjoys unleashing pain on his rivals. As we’ve said before, the devil himself must be taking notes from this Reverend, who evidently believes no one can contradict him.
The DPP, The Scapegoat, and The Jokes
But thankfully, Malawi is not a dictatorship. Sixty-four percent of the population rejected one-party rule in 1993. Since then, the MCP has stubbornly clung to its 30% vote share. This recent terror in Lilongwe is likely to shrink that share even further. You see, dear MCP, you don’t win by arresting, jailing, suing, or beating opponents. You win by explaining to voters why they can’t buy fertilizer at the promised “folo sauzande nkanthu” or why one million youths haven’t received their “jabs.” You win, like Bingu wa Mutharika, by demonstrating a political spine and firing anyone who dares to damage your legacy.
But for a “dictator” like Reverend Chakwera? Never. He won’t fire anyone. His minions, however, are currently in a frenzied brainstorming session, furiously trying to figure out how to blame the DPP for the beating of Namiwa. We have, truly, become a land of jokers!
